I Lost My Me Today

I woke up this morning and went in front of the mirror and I couldn't see myself.  The body in front of me was what I had always wanted what I have fought and struggled for but where was I in all of that.

That secret me which no one sees, who loves food, who is comforted by food. That me who hides in the recesses and craves things that the body in front of me should not have. I couldn't find her, she was my comfort my go to, my me.

I searched for her, she wasn't in my snack stash, she wasn't in my bread, she was gone. I couldn't understand what had happened to her. She had packed her bags for sometime now but she always hung around she always let me know when I needed a snack for comfort, some bread or a sandwich to feel better. But now she had left, I'm screaming cuz I'm scared I have never not been without me. Me who have hidden behind the facade of being confident and fit, but always there struggling with her devils, the devils I knew the fight between who I wanted to be and who I really was. There's comfort in that fight, there's comfort because that fight I know, that hell I know.

I have always had that fight it kept me from taking responsibility for who I wanted to be and resting when I could because I would never really achieve that lofty goal. There's comfort in me because I knew the disparaging comments, I'm used to the fear of never really stepping out there.So where did she go, where did my me go? And who is this person in front of me. This new one I've seen for quite sometime now but I never really wanted to know her, she was too good, too fit, too strong. I kept expecting her to fail so I never really got to know her. I don't want to know her, I'm afraid of her.

But I lost my me today, she packed up and left and the body in front of me is who I always wanted to be, it's who I strove and pushed to be but I don't know her. I'm scared.