I've spent most of my life being afraid of failing, never putting in 100% into any endeavor because I figured if I didn't give it my all and I failed it wouldn't be that I wasn't or what I gave wasn't good enough. When I did fail however, I took it hard and got very depressed and it further pushed me into my shell and ensured I made nothing important enough for me to feel disappointed if I failed.
This has been the cycle and with this cycle came depression and a constant feeling of low self worth. Rationalizing and excuses also became my constant companions in every aspect. I knew what I could do and if things didn't go right it wasn't my fault next time I'd give it my all and it'd turn out okay.
Rationalizing was the only thing in my life that I was consistent in. Hence my consistent weight gain through the years. I always knew what to do but hey, I never did it or I'd do it tomorrow or after a function or after I was more comfortable. When I did try and I lost some weight the congratulations started and ofcourse I rationalized why I could have a burger or pizza or chocolate. Then signs and wonders I gained weight and even more than before. So I felt like a failure and I drew that cloak around me and reasoned I couldn't loose the weight so I may as well have fun and enjoy my food.
I finally woke up and it wasn't a slap in the face wake up either, it was a slow process of little wins each day that showed big gains over time. I won't tell you that I am now 100% clean and lean, I've cheated, I've missed, skipped work outs and from time to time that same feeling of failure has tried to over take me. But I discovered the key, (I hope) I can't use my energies and give into the feeling of failing every time I cheat or regain a pound. I gotta revamp, probably start over go back to the drawing board and figure out how not to fall again. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and get mad at myself, every time I fell I had to get back up again, I had to eat clean the next day and the next.
I have to remind myself everyday why I started and what it is that I'm aiming for. My aims and my goals have evolved with who I'm becoming, I'm no longer satisfied with just getting "slim" my drive now is to be fit and constantly search for new things to make me proud of me.
In my journey I have fallen many times and I expect to fall again, but now it is that much easier to get back up. I get back up because I now know what I can do and I know that the only way to show that is to DO it and not just have the knowledge in my head. I get back up because I love the gains, I love the feeling of being confident and focused instead of the feelings of failure and insecurity.
I get back up because I know and I've proven that life happens with our without me and the only thing I can control in this life is me. I get back up because I've finally realized that who I want to be is entirely up to me. I've done things that I never dreamed I could do, I've run 5.6 miles where there was a time I couldn't run even 1 mile. I get back up because I forgive myself the failures and know that I'll do better next time. I bounce back up because I've proven that the only limitations I have are in my mind. My failures don't define who I am, they strengthen the person I'm becoming.
