Again

This is just a start as my Journey has taken so many twists and turns and now it feels like I'm back to square one 10 years later.

So we are going to re-start my Journey into me. Let's see how it goes 😌 

I'm Not Hungry

I been seeing these commercials on how to loose weight, on how this pill or that powder will make you less hungry.

I thought to myself, they are missing the point. When I eat or when I eat snacks in a binge I'm rarely hungry. If I was hungry I'd eat real food and I'd get full.

All these commercials miss the point of the monster that's inside us that is never satisfied, never full always "hungry". It's not a physical struggle it's a mental one

I Lost My Me Today

I woke up this morning and went in front of the mirror and I couldn't see myself.  The body in front of me was what I had always wanted what I have fought and struggled for but where was I in all of that.

That secret me which no one sees, who loves food, who is comforted by food. That me who hides in the recesses and craves things that the body in front of me should not have. I couldn't find her, she was my comfort my go to, my me.

I searched for her, she wasn't in my snack stash, she wasn't in my bread, she was gone. I couldn't understand what had happened to her. She had packed her bags for sometime now but she always hung around she always let me know when I needed a snack for comfort, some bread or a sandwich to feel better. But now she had left, I'm screaming cuz I'm scared I have never not been without me. Me who have hidden behind the facade of being confident and fit, but always there struggling with her devils, the devils I knew the fight between who I wanted to be and who I really was. There's comfort in that fight, there's comfort because that fight I know, that hell I know.

I have always had that fight it kept me from taking responsibility for who I wanted to be and resting when I could because I would never really achieve that lofty goal. There's comfort in me because I knew the disparaging comments, I'm used to the fear of never really stepping out there.So where did she go, where did my me go? And who is this person in front of me. This new one I've seen for quite sometime now but I never really wanted to know her, she was too good, too fit, too strong. I kept expecting her to fail so I never really got to know her. I don't want to know her, I'm afraid of her.

But I lost my me today, she packed up and left and the body in front of me is who I always wanted to be, it's who I strove and pushed to be but I don't know her. I'm scared.

Forgive your Failures but NEVER accept them

I've spent most of my life being afraid of failing, never putting in 100% into any endeavor because I figured if I didn't give it my all and I failed it wouldn't be that I wasn't or what I gave wasn't good enough. When I did fail however, I took it hard and got very depressed and it further pushed me into my shell and ensured I made nothing important enough for me to feel disappointed if I failed.

This has been the cycle and with this cycle came depression and a constant feeling of low self worth. Rationalizing and excuses also became my constant companions in every aspect. I knew what I could do and if things didn't go right it wasn't my fault next time I'd give it my all and it'd turn out okay.

Rationalizing was the only thing in my life that I was consistent in. Hence my consistent weight gain through the years. I always knew what to do but hey, I never did it or I'd do it tomorrow or after a function or after I was more comfortable. When I did try and I lost some weight the congratulations started and ofcourse I rationalized why I could have a burger or pizza or chocolate. Then signs and wonders I gained weight and even more than before. So I felt like a failure and I drew that cloak around me and reasoned I couldn't loose the weight so I may as well have fun and enjoy my food.

I finally woke up and it wasn't a slap in the face wake up either, it was a slow process of little wins each day that showed big gains over time. I won't tell you that I am now 100% clean and lean, I've cheated, I've missed, skipped work outs and from time to time that same feeling of failure has tried to over take me. But I discovered the key, (I hope) I can't use my energies and give into the feeling of failing every time I cheat or regain a pound. I gotta revamp, probably start over go back to the drawing board and figure out how not to fall again. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and get mad at myself, every time I fell I had to get back up again, I had to eat clean the next day and the next.

I have to remind myself everyday why I started and what it is that I'm aiming for. My aims and my goals have evolved with who I'm becoming, I'm no longer satisfied with just getting "slim" my drive now is to be fit and constantly search for new things to make me proud of me.

In my journey I have fallen many times and I expect to fall again, but now it is that much easier to get back up. I get back up because I now know what I can do and I know that the only way to show that is to DO it and not just have the knowledge in my head. I get back up because I love the gains, I love the feeling of being confident and focused instead of the feelings of failure and insecurity.

I get back up because I know and I've proven that life happens with our without me and the only thing I can control in this life is me. I get back up because I've finally realized that who I want to be is entirely up to me. I've done things that I never dreamed I could do, I've run 5.6 miles where there was a time I couldn't run even 1 mile. I get back up because I forgive myself the failures and know that I'll do better next time. I bounce back up because I've proven that the only limitations I have are in my mind. My failures don't define who I am, they strengthen the person I'm becoming.

Knowledge Demands Change - NO EXCUSES!

I can remember myself as a plump ten year old who hadn't yet gotten to my awesome height of 5ft 2" and weighing myself to find that I was 96lbs and thinking that I wanted to loose weight. I remember leaving high school at 125lbs still thinking that I would like to loose weight. College did the Atkins diet and lost weight coming down to about 143lbs. Started working, dieting trying to reach 150lbs then finally my max weight my brother's wedding at 182lbs. I look back and wonder what's the main thread here in my life? I have always wanted to loose weight. As a result every time I went on the internet or I saw something on TV that said loose weight fast I bought into it. The herbal life, the diet pills, the calorie shifting, cabbage soup diet, Atkins diet, some five day Miami something diet.  I've done them all and don't get me wrong they work and work quickly as they say but from 96 to 125, to 143, to 150 and then 182 what went wrong if they all worked?

Lets see, I knew what to do how to do and when to do so yeah I'd loose 10lbs but that was for the life of the diet which ranged from 3 to l4 days max. So when the diet ended I lost the weight and ate whatever I wanted.

I started various gyms but I figure gyms didn't work cause I didn't loose weight at the gym, I toned but no weight loss and I couldn't understand, people were always showing the work outs to do to loose weight so why couldn't I work out and loose weight?. So gyms were periodical for no more than about three weeks and then work schedule got too hectic, my work out partner wasn't going so I didn't go, I couldn't wake up early enough and there were times when I was just not in the mood and I paid my membership so I could always do the work out tomorrow.

Let's not forget the at home exercise machines that promised me the sexy body that I've been chasing all my life. The total gym was a must have cause Chuck Norris knew what he was talking about, so was the ab lounge and the ab wheel and a rowing machine, the elliptical.  I had them or access to them all and I was still fat? Why? I understood through all of this why I was still gaining weight over the time and that was because I had all of these things but I wasn't using them, I knew all the diets but they were just for a period and I love food so the diet had better not take too long else I couldn't follow it through all the way.

So I had everything at my disposal all the knowledge in the world but no execution, no accountability, no dedication, no consistency, no passion and hence no change. What I did have was my excuses which I hugged to me like a security blanket. There was not enough time, I wasn't feeling emotionally up to it, There was just too much other drama going on, I couldn't afford to eat healthy, I was too shy to go to the gym on my own (what would people think). Finally I started to accept my weight and rationalized that I wasn't meant to be skinny and I looked good fat anyway.

Pure undiluted RUBBISH! I was never comfortable in my own skin, the confidence I strove to display was false and I bordered constantly on being depressed because through all the excuses and rationalization I wasn't who I wanted to be. What could I do?

Here's what I did, I stepped in FRONT of my excuses and rationalizing.  The day wasn't gonna get more hours into it so that I could maybe find the time to work out, my emotions weren't gonna shift into happy just before I started to work out, drama was gonna always be in my life, eating junk food was more expensive than cooking, people will always have an opinion but none of them can live my life. It all came back to me and my not taking accountability for my lifestyle and the things that I did to get where I was.

So I executed and became consistent, I developed passion and then, I saw change. My work out schedule no longer fits into my life, my life FITS into my work out schedule. I make no excuses so I will have no regrets, I show up every day even when I don't want to, I am no longer comfortable, I have exited my comfort zone and HERE I have found results.











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My Dad's Love

With the achievements I have made in the past couple of months with shedding the weight and becoming fit I have only one regret. My one regret is that I didn't wake up earlier so that my Dad could share in my achievement which I knew he had always wanted to see.

I am one of 10 kids and my Dad was a diabetic who loved food a love which he passed down to all his kids along with his indomitable spirit. Because of his illness he was deeply concerned about the weight of his kids as we matured and perpetuated his same love for food. He was never a very tactful man and his concern was always expressed in a gruff and rough way which more often than not raised our defenses and resentment of the off hand statements which he made.

I was the last family member to see my Dad the night before he died and I never fully understood the wealth of his concern until now. He was on his death bead and one of the last coherent things my Dad said with me at his side he looked at the doctor and said "Doc she get fat eeeh?" and the doctor looked at me and asked if what he was saying was true and I said "yes".  My one thought even then was that Daddy was being mean as usual and what a time for it.

But my Dad wasn't being mean, he was expressing the deep concern that he felt and the fact that he really did not want his children to go down the same path that he had. Now that I have finally woken up to the reality of what an unhealthy life style can do and how being fit is a blessing I realize the full weight of my Dad's concern for his children and the wish of every parent for the best for their child.

I am blessed to have taken a lot of my Father's traits even some that I never fully understood until now and one of those was his indomitable spirit and will power and his constant expectation of excellence for himself and his family. It was through the strength inherent in my parentage that I have been able to rise to the challenge and change my life and I deem this accomplishment a tribute to my Dad's love. 

He gave me the strength to transform into a butterfly.

My Mentor & Me

My Mentor is someone who I had known for over 15 years before he offered to assist me in my weight loss goals. Now here are some of the things I knew before that Offer:

1. My mentor was a nice person who never raised his voice or got mad
2. I know which diets to use to loose weight quickly
3. I need cheese in my life or else I suffer from withdrawal symptoms and depression
4. I am fit and strong
5. The pain I felt sometimes when I ran meant my sneakers needed changing and I had to stop running
6. I'm not very passionate about any one thing
7. I will look bulky if I lifted very weights
8. Being out of breath means that I'm tired
9. I do not need assistance to loose weight
10. The yolk of the egg is the protein

These were all things I pointed out to Andre when we first started and he told me he wanted 6 weeks of clean eating. When he told me what he wanted me to not eat I figured he was crazy and trying his darndest to starve me and ofcourse I also knew that you couldn't starve and loose weight. So I told him all of this and he said just run things by him before I ate them and he "tried" to give me alternatives to the condensed milk that had to be in my coffee and oats. Oh and why did I need to eat the white part of the egg when the protein was in the yolk.

So we had gotten off to a rocky start with him being my Mentor cause as far as I was concerned I knew certain things if not all things and he was trying to shove things at me that were just not gonna work for me. So imagine when we went running ofcourse my shins started to hurt so I stopped right. He tells me "oh the pain is called shin splints and you have to work through it" (the pain has a name?). I pause to catch my breath and want to stop because I'm tired only to hear "being out of breath doesn't mean your tired". Now the very nice person I knew was a MEANIE who was pushing me oh and crazy to boot.  Seriously cause he was telling me all these things that were just not how I knew things to be and I knew what I knew.

So how did the crazy meanie person who didn't know what I knew get to be my mentor? Great question!

He pointed out that I needed to trust him and promised that if I did trust him I'd get results. So I grudgingly and sulkily did the things he told me to do and to my surprise my sneakers didn't need to be changed cause the pain in my shins stopped after a couple days and if I took a break while running to catch my breath I could run farther than I first thought. So maybe he wasn't as crazy as I had started to believe. (still mean though)

A week went by and I lost seven pounds and I wasn't grumpy miserable or depressed without my cheese! shocker! I googled the egg thing and bigger shock the white was the protein!uh! There were days when I craved, needed, figured I had to have junk food cause it was just a horrible day and it would make me feel better only to get a picture "food is fuel not fun" I'd be like hello don't you understand that I need a burger not picture! To go further I practice "Intermittent Fasting" so my window is closed and I'm hungry here's the picture I get when I tell my Meanie oh sorry Mentor my woes "Your not hungry, your bored, drink some water and learn the difference" Well suffice to say it was a love hate relationship. But these were times when I realized that I couldn't do this on my own.

Some persons are naturally slender and they are lucky, but there are those of us who have to work hard to get there and we need support. Sometimes we need a swift kick in the touche to wake us up and help us realize what we are doing to our bodies and our minds with our unhealthy habits. For me that's where Andre came in and sometimes when he quarrels with me I sulk but bottom line I've had to be honest with myself and with him and admit to my failings from time to time and get back on the horse.

So six months forty pounds and many many many inches leaner what do I know:

1. My mentor is a meanie who means well and will never give me anything I cannot do
2. Losing weight is not about a diet it's about my life style
3. I do not need cheese to be happy
4. I am NOW fit and strong
5. The pain in my shins are called shin splints and you have to push past the pain
6. I am passionate about my fitness goals
7. I look leaner the heavier I lift
8. Being out of Breath doesn't mean I'm tired
9. The egg white has most of the protein in an egg
10. I wasn't able to do it alone